The Ups and Downs

Its difficult not to be hard on yourself. It seems many people treat everyone better than they do themselves. We are at a family memeber or friends side comforting them and building them back up after a bad emotional episode. Then we we ourselves are in that same situation we beat ourselves up. The care and comfort we give to those around us doesn't equal what we give ourselves.
Anxiety and panic is a very complex situation. Many times you feel isolated purley on the ground of people not truley understanding the depth of the situation. Many times I still don't understand it myself. I have good days and I feel strong and invinsible and other days I step out of my house and am overwhelmed with the feelings of anxiety. How frustrurating is that!
Recently on my day off I had a few errands to run. I had the bank to make a deposit at. Then I need to grab a few cleaning supplies at the local CVS. Usually these 2 things are no problem. I got in my car and off I went. As I am driving I feel the anxiety hightened as I get further from home. Simple stop lights...they make me feel trapped and I do my best to avoid them all togeather. I approach one and I have no choice but to sit and wait. As I do I feel my heart start to pound like I am running. I then feel the adrenaline take over and my legs are slightly shacking. I then close my eyes and try to focus on my breath. I realize I am getting impatient with the whole situation. I want to go home. Why am I tourturing myself. i feel like I am about to die and I am only sitting at a stop light. I decide to go on to the bank. I get there and the long lines make me decide to go to CVS and get some things. Hoping the line will be easier on me when I return. I gather all my things at CVS. I head up to the register and just before it is time to pay. There goes the heart palpitations, the feeling out of my body, the getting hot. I decide I can't deal and I tell the cashier to hold my iteams I brought the wrong credit card. WHatever I thought...I just want to get the hell out! SO off I go. How weird was that? Ughh I was so irritated with myself. I did go to the bank and by the time I got there no more line.
I went on to have a great many days after that. It is complex, one step forward and what feels like 2 steps back. I hear that is very normal in recovery. I am always moving forward I tell myself. I know to much. Some days are just better than others. I have accepted that.